I don’t know what is on about all this. I’m always the guy, that sits on the sidewalk, wearing my shiny suit. And yeah, with tonnes of arrows just sticking out of my chest. I’m just maybe built for this. Maybe this is me. Maybe this is just me. I guess. sigh.

I’ll do anything for you. anything. If you want me to stop contacting you, I will.

I guess space is what you need now then. maybe yeah.

- back for good.

you know, after ALL these years, nothing has changed. honestly, NOTHING. Since I met the first girl in sec 2, and i mean that was the first time i’ve ever felt so queer in my life. Its like this weird butterfly feeling when you’re going out of your way to do something. It’s that feeling where you just want something so bad. And then something snatches it away. And you withdraw your hand, trembling in fear. Silence to me was a norm. People never texted randomly, never called randomly to say hi, never went a little out of their way to brighten my day. Never once did someone text me, “hey you’re awesome, have a great day”. never.

In all my years, I’ve learnt Love the hard way. Its almost as if Love came with a metal ruler, and secured my hand to the table and beat me. 2 times a girl has gone after a guy who was just not me. And once, went after the exact same guy that broke her heart a few months ago. And this hurt me. I spent months, trying to support her broken heart. I was the one running around with tissue papers, and superglue. Lending an ear to listen. Lending words to comfort. But what is it all worth? I spent my times trying new ways to win someone over. Many ways didn’t work out i guess. And i guess they’re just not worth it. Cause each time I leave with my heart broken. I guess its just not bloody worth it anymore.

I guess i settled for something that speaks me. I adopted this Nice guy persona, that just granted me the opportunity to be nice to everyone and every girl I meet. It worked out well, for the time being. I guess people just realized I’m quite a good person to fool around with, to push over. To wreck a life. I guess its that way. My heart is put up like a piñata, just hit around and messed up. I guess I was fooled once too many times. But i kept getting up and trying. I’ll pick up the pieces of my heart, put them back together, to realize that some pieces are missing. But I’ll still carry on, holding it up with tape. Tape of lies.

I guess this marks the end. I guess I’ve ran out of tape to use. Maybe I did, maybe getting hurt twice consecutively sucks. Maybe having a bad record sucks. Maybe even being a nice guy sucks. Maybe its just me, maybe I’m just, normal. What if I just am? I guess that’s just me. And nothing’s gonna change that. Its just me.

–

the end, it just means continuing on this journey would be certain death. And I’m willing to accept every bit of it. I guess I don’t have to feel anymore do I? I guess I’m just nice, I guess that’ll be me forever. Well hopefully someone comes by and tells me that all is not lost. And I hope its you. No more lies, its time for superglue.

—

Lord, is this you?

are you sending your angels from the adjustment bureau, to put my life back on track?

please don’t do this to me. please don’t.

it just breaks my heart really bad,

and i..

i can’t, i really can’t.

when you walk down memory lane or when you walk down the aisle.

would you look back upon your life, however bright or dull it may be,

and remember that you once talked, shared life messages, memories, time, effort, energy on some guy named KaiBin?

or would you just forget it never happened?

maybe I’m just not worth your time, nor your effort.

i’ve moved my art blog to this site, starting 2011, I will post weekly updates of Photos, up there.

well, i don’t really think much anymore about stuff.

i just wish things could be different.

2011, year or difference.

and well, to you. I wish things could be better.

Well, 2010 is a year in which i found a true passion and a profession. And one that i won’t forget due to certain stuff.

Christmas. The season of giving, the season of family. I still remember oh too clearly, the last Christmas i had with you. Although a simple phone call, but nonetheless, one to remember.

I want to go back to the past, where i just met you and we shared long texts and long calls. It was a time not to forget, definitely. It was a time where i could call you randomly and you’ll pick up instantly on the first ring. Life was bliss. But it has changed, hasn’t it? Its always calls with no answers, or messages with no replies. Excuses being so popular. What happened?

I’m trying to piece things back together again, i honestly am. I’m trying to turn back time, to the past, i’m trying, i honestly am. But maybe its just me, I can’t. I’m just too nice, too easy to push around, to easily broken. Perhaps.

Maybe we’ve changed, maybe all of us have changed. Changed, and we forget to tell one another. We’ve changed to forget our promises we’ve made. Promises that one or another has held onto so strongly. Promises for a better future, promises for both of us. Maybe we can go back to where we were before. Maybe, just maybe.

Perhaps its time to start anew, to write down resolutions for the next year. Let go of the promises we’ve once held. Make new ones, change for the better. Maybe, just maybe something might change for the better. For the good of all of us. Start new friendships, forge new bonds. Make new promises that are never broken. Perhaps, just perhaps, life could be better.

So well, what happens now? Its Christmas, season for giving, so give, give like you’ve never given before. Give, Love.

Saint KaiBin – Christmas Lights

and perhaps that’ll give me some inspiration, to produce a series on it.

I promise to revive this blog, maybe, some day, i’ll post up my random photos here. Maybe one day, someday, the public will get to see this blog. maybe. just maybe.

this blog was meant to be an art blog, but i guess its holding all my rants now. I’m sorry WordPress.

I’ll start a new one, another blog for art. but my art is photography.

—

well love, i guess you won’t be even seeing this, or would even bother to take a look.

I missed the times we had. please, just please, don’t leave me. just please, i don’t want another.

honestly, i think well maybe, some people don’t care about how much they’ve received and they just don’t see the entire big picture. maybe, someday, someday, they will.

Saint KaiBin – still waiting.

cause my heart..

has broken.