i am found, in the aftermath.
you know, after ALL these years, nothing has changed. honestly, NOTHING. Since I met the first girl in sec 2, and i mean that was the first time i’ve ever felt so queer in my life. Its like this weird butterfly feeling when you’re going out of your way to do something. It’s that feeling where you just want something so bad. And then something snatches it away. And you withdraw your hand, trembling in fear. Silence to me was a norm. People never texted randomly, never called randomly to say hi, never went a little out of their way to brighten my day. Never once did someone text me, “hey you’re awesome, have a great day”. never.
In all my years, I’ve learnt Love the hard way. Its almost as if Love came with a metal ruler, and secured my hand to the table and beat me. 2 times a girl has gone after a guy who was just not me. And once, went after the exact same guy that broke her heart a few months ago. And this hurt me. I spent months, trying to support her broken heart. I was the one running around with tissue papers, and superglue. Lending an ear to listen. Lending words to comfort. But what is it all worth? I spent my times trying new ways to win someone over. Many ways didn’t work out i guess. And i guess they’re just not worth it. Cause each time I leave with my heart broken. I guess its just not bloody worth it anymore.
I guess i settled for something that speaks me. I adopted this Nice guy persona, that just granted me the opportunity to be nice to everyone and every girl I meet. It worked out well, for the time being. I guess people just realized I’m quite a good person to fool around with, to push over. To wreck a life. I guess its that way. My heart is put up like a piñata, just hit around and messed up. I guess I was fooled once too many times. But i kept getting up and trying. I’ll pick up the pieces of my heart, put them back together, to realize that some pieces are missing. But I’ll still carry on, holding it up with tape. Tape of lies.
I guess this marks the end. I guess I’ve ran out of tape to use. Maybe I did, maybe getting hurt twice consecutively sucks. Maybe having a bad record sucks. Maybe even being a nice guy sucks. Maybe its just me, maybe I’m just, normal. What if I just am? I guess that’s just me. And nothing’s gonna change that. Its just me.
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the end, it just means continuing on this journey would be certain death. And I’m willing to accept every bit of it. I guess I don’t have to feel anymore do I? I guess I’m just nice, I guess that’ll be me forever. Well hopefully someone comes by and tells me that all is not lost. And I hope its you. No more lies, its time for superglue.
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Lord, is this you?
are you sending your angels from the adjustment bureau, to put my life back on track?
